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Self-Check List for Mentors

By Sally Jones

The focus of a good mentoring relationship is always on the formation of the mentoree.  My role as a mentor is to come alongside them and equip and empower them to move towards achieving their goals, and when I do that in a session I aim to give them my undivided attention. One of the things that my mentorees often say they appreciate the most about mentoring is that it is the one relationship where it is actually okay for it to be all about them – what they need to grow, what they need to focus on to be who God has called them to be. However as I journey along with them, there are actually a few things about myself that I need to be attending to!

The one question I regularly ask myself is this:  What do I most need to be fully present to my mentorees?

The answers to this will be many and varied depending on the context, but I want to suggest they need to include:

  • Preparation time – mentoring takes much more time than the actual session.  Have I allocated adequate time in my diary for any reading, researching, thinking or any other preparation I might need to do?   Have I completed any commitments I may have made to my mentoree in the last session? It’s pretty obvious when a mentoree has hurriedly thrown together (probably just before they arrived!) something I asked them to spend time reflecting on – and it will be just as obvious to my mentoree if I have done the same.

  • ‘Transition’ time – how busy are the 30 minutes before a mentoring session is due to start?  We all have busy lives but it’s important to allow ourselves space to transition from the space of phone calls, emails, meetings, battling the traffic, putting the kids to bed, etc., to the mentoring space.  As far as possible, I need to attend to the things which might distract me from being fully present.  I find the key to this is finding a quiet spot, being still, and spending some time in prayer – for my mentoree, for myself and for the upcoming session.

  • Development time – what skills do I have which might need sharpening? Are there areas of development or issues arising in the lives of my mentorees that I need to be learning more about?  When was the last time I went to a workshop or conference to add to my knowledge and experience? Being intentional about my development and growth as a mentor enables me to give my best to my mentorees.

  • Self-reflection time – as I journey with others in their spiritual formation, am I making a priority of my own formation and growth?  Who is asking me the kinds of questions that I am asking my mentorees?  Who is speaking into my life, encouraging, equipping and empowering me?  We cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves.  Time spent focusing on my relationship with God will enable me to do the same for others.

What items would you add to a self-check list for mentoring?

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Voices: Mentoring Training 2017

 

How do we journey with our mentorees as they seek to listen and discern the voice of God? Our lives are filled with myriad voices that clamour for attention. Sorting the whispers of the Spirit from the noise of the world is a constant challenge. Everyone is welcome to join us this year for one of our 2017 mentoring training days as together we reflect on guidance, listening to God, wisdom, prayer and discernment in the context of mentoring relationships.

 

Keynote Speaker – Sally Jones

  • Operates her own Sydney based practise in mentoring and spiritual direction
  • Co-teaches the Mentor Equipping training program (3 years of training and supervision)
  • Is a member of the committee of the Australian Christian Mentoring Network and a member of the Australian Network of Spiritual Directors
  • Sally spent 8 years working with International Teams Australia, a Christian Mission Agency. For 5 years she was actively involved in the Sydney Refugee Team, co-leading the team from 2011

 

There will be a local presenter in each of the workshops.

Cost:

$100 per participant

$75 for current ACMN Members with a 2017 paid membership (please note, this is not the same as being a registered user of this website)
Notes, morning and afternoon teas provided—(does not include lunch)

To register:

We are using the Eventbrite registration system to manage attendance this year. Please follow the links below.

Brisbane – 21st August

Sydney – 22nd August

Melbourne – 23rd August

Adelaide – 24th August

Perth – 25th August

 

Where can I contact the organiser with any questions?

Please contact acmentoringnetwork@outlook.com for further information.

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Keeping Focus in Mentoring

by Janet Woodlock. 

It’’s possible to drift in mentoring relationships. They can become a pleasant catch up, but be relatively ineffective in helping another grow personally, spiritually, and vocationally. Indeed, they can become frustrating sessions, where old issues are re-hashed with little evidence of increasing maturity or responsibility in the mentee.

One of the most important steps in keeping mentoring relationships effective is contracting well. Expectations need to be crystal clear, with key goals / growth areas identified at the outset.

Some of the expectations that should be built in to a powerful mentoring agreement/contract include:

  • preparation for sessions. The mentoree should agree to bring an issue to every session.
  • commitment to action steps. The mentoree is clear s/he desires to grow, and commits to implementing any actions arising from each session.
  • regular meetings. If meetings are only very occasional or are made on an ad-hoc basis, the mentoree may feel little pressure to implement action steps.
  • an agreed review date. Review how the mentoring is working for both parties after a certain number of sessions. (Then ask: “What can I learn as a mentor to support you better? Is my mentoring helpful to you? Should we continue?”)
  • an end date. Mentoring that continues forever is prone to becoming a friendly conversation. It is better to contract for a certain number of sessions, then review whether the mentoree wants to re-contract around a new set of agreed goals.

Having a potential mentoree fill out a survey prior to a first session can be helpful in forming specific growth goals. Or your first session can be focused on series goals.* Ask your mentoree to identify ambitious goals they would like to work on over a longer period of time. (Fitness, family relationships, spiritual life, education, career goals, new initiatives in ministry – it could be anything!) Then clarify the goals they would most like to focus on in mentoring.

If expectations are set out clearly, and if ambitious goals are established for the mentoring relationship, you have set the relationship up well to ensure the mentoree keeps focused.

It’s hard work being this intentional. Sometimes it’s appropriate to have a less formal mentoring relationship. But contracting like this, and referring to the agreement throughout the relationship, does the heavy lifting in keeping the focus on personal growth.

Christian mentoring is less about helping people feel better (though that may often occur) and more about helping people become all that God is calling them to be, and step into all that God is calling them to do. In short, it can be a very effective tool of discipleship.

“Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be a mentor desires a noble task.” That’s my very rough translation of I Timothy 3:1. I think it’s true though! What a privilege it is to partner with others in this way!

So how might you become more focused in your mentoring?

And can you share something that has helped you keep focus in mentoring?

And a provocative thought: the most focused mentoring relationship I’ve ever had involved major financial penalties if action steps weren’t completed! (Mates rates vs executive coaching rates). What do you think of THAT approach?

I’d love to hear from you!

Janet Woodlock

*big goals that require a series of steps to achieve.

The ACMN does not promote a single model of mentoring. Some styles include:
Life Coaching: Partnering with a coachee who sets personal goals, helping them develop action plans to achieve them. (Janet’s typical style; hence the focus on goals in this article)

Spiritual Direction: Partnering with a pilgrim in discerning where God is at work in the inner life.

Counselling: A strong focus on emotional / psychological wellbeing. Some ministry supervisors are trained psychologists/counsellors.

Skill Mentoring/Coaching: An expert providing feedback on a skill area (e.g. helping a minister improve their preaching)

The first three styles in particular involve the mentor asking questions and listening deeply. Some mentors develop a blended style depending on their background, or wear different “hats” depending on the presenting issue.

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Conflict Competent

Our ACMN team enjoyed catching up with many of our subscribers, members, and friends at the Conflict Competent training last week. It was great to hear some unique input at each session and be part of the rich discussions and reflections on mentoring people in Conflict.  For the full notes and links to presentations, please register / log in on this site and follow the link to Conflict Competent Notes and Files.

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Modes of Mentoring: a tool for use in contracting

By Rick Lewis

People often ask, ‘What’s the difference between mentoring and…?’ Conversations starting from that question typically emphasise the distinctives of mentoring and separate it from, for example, coaching, or spiritual direction, or supervision, or counselling or whatever. But it’s a mistake to give the impression that there are clear, agreed boundaries between these disciplines or that mentoring is a completely different helping process. The fact is that all these helping approaches – and more – do share significant areas of overlap, especially when it comes to methodology.

Furthermore, mentoring is carried out in many different ways. It does not always look the same. The specific shape of a mentoring partnership will vary according to the personal attributes of the mentor and the mentoree, the relational dynamic between them, the circumstances in which they find themselves, the impact of an organizational context, the areas for focus within mentoring, the desired outcomes, and other factors.

When I am in conversation with someone about possibly commencing a mentoring partnership I would typically start by sharing my very general description of mentoring as ‘identifying and promoting the work of God’s Spirit in another’s life’. Once we’ve established that, it’s helpful to clarify in more specific terms both what the other person is looking for and what I am able to offer. Otherwise, we could have very different ideas in our minds about how that general description is applied and therefore have diverging expectations that could lead to frustration and disappointment.

For this purpose I have developed a little tool by which I briefly describe ten common modes of mentoring and get some rough metrics about which of those modes fits with what they are looking for. I set out the ten modes on a radar diagram like the one below. Usually I’ll have it on a piece of paper and put it on a table between us so we can both write on it.

I describe the modes in this way:

  • Apprenticeship is for people starting out in a particular field of endeavour and are looking for someone to show them the ropes and practically demonstrate the necessary skills.

  • Dialogue is for someone seeking to develop their knowledge of a topic or area of study and looking for a conversation partner to push their thi8nking to the next level.

  • Fathering/mothering is for people who are wrestling with questions of identity and looking for someone who can help to clarify who they are, their gifts, abilities and potential.

  • Accountability is for people who know what they want to do but also know they will struggle to remain true to their best intentions without someone to check in on the critical issues.

  • Consultative mentoring is for people facing major decisions who require someone to help them consider the options from every angle so they can make well-informed choices.

  • Therapeutic mentoring is for people rebuilding their lives after some difficulty. This mode is often helpful after the completion of a period of professional counselling.

  • Sponsorship is for people seeking to develop fresh opportunities, expand their network and overcome relational barriers through connection with a trusted advocate.

  • Spiritual direction can be a discipline in its own right. As a mode of mentoring it is for people focussing on spirituality and seeking a guide to develop spiritual practices.

  • Coaching, too, is an established craft. It may also be a mode of mentoring in which a specific skill is honed with the aid of someone who knows how to promote peak performance.

  • Supervision is for professionals seeking to pursue high standards with someone to help them reflect deeply on their practice and to inquire into possible blind spots.

Then I ask the other person to rate each mode according to what they are looking for – less interested in a mode marked towards the centre; more interested marked towards the outer rim. No two people have exactly the same pattern. It’s an effective conversation starter and gives the mentor an opportunity to share their strengths so that both people can assess whether there is a good fit.

The ACMN is a peer learning community, so I’d like to ask for your insights on this. I’m currently developing a short questionnaire built around these ten modes to help with the metrics. It will have three questions per mode to help people assess if that’s what they are looking for in mentoring. If you have some suggestions or comments I’d love to hear from you.

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Conflict Competent: Mentoring Others in Times of Tension

Conflict is challenging for Christians.  Christian environments are  both conflict prone and conflict averse.  We sadly don’t have a good history of managing our disagreements positively and well.  Consequently there is a lot of pain and hurt around conflict for many in leadership.  In fact, the stress caused by conflict is the number one reason pastors leave ministry.  In this day seminar, we will explore three elements of conflict and how you as a mentor can help those you work with to act with wisdom and integrity when they find themselves in tension.  We will look at common causes of conflict, how to assist others frame conflict in  helpful ways, constructive behaviours in conflict and how to mentor others toward competency in conflict management.

Keynote Speaker – Tim Dyer

Tim teaches conflict skills to leaders in the Arrow Program, at several Theological Colleges and regularly to pastors and clergy conferences. He consults with congregations in conflict in trains conflict management teams for a range of Australian Christian Denominations. He is part of the Australian Christian Mentoring Network and provides the Peace Train website for conflict resolution skills in Christian environments.

There will be a local presenter in each of the workshops.

Cost:

$100 per participant

$75 for current ACMN Members with a 2016 paid membership (please note, this is not the same as being a registered user of this website)
Notes, morning and afternoon teas provided—(does not include lunch)

To register:

We are using the Eventbrite registration system to manage attendance this year. Please follow the links below.

Brisbane – 5th September

Sydney – 6th September

Melbourne – 7th September

Adelaide – 8th September

Perth – 9th September

 

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Chris Gribble shares reflections on burnout

Four signs that indicated I was emerging from burnout

1. My creativity began re-emerging

Truth’s daily task

Truth is not clinging to a failed understanding,

Truth is the soul’s daily work,

The creative heart work of the true human.

Another line in this poem that I wrote was that “truth lived brings laughter and tears”. When in the midst of my burnout there wasn’t much laughter, tears were the more common expression of my state of being. Creativity requires both to be present in our life. The unhealthy imbalance was very evident in my daily lament about my lack of value to anyone.

James Altucher in his book, “Choose Yourself” recommends that we write down ten ideas a day. I would normally say such a task is too easy but my idea well was completely dry during this time.

Creativity re-emerging showed itself in a growing confidence to try something new. Each day as I took the next faltering step forward I was able to move to a new understanding of myself as a person. The old ways of seeing myself were lost in a finding of a new truth that touched the very core of my soul.

A reflection on Psalm 85

When love and faithfulness collided with my life,

The sparks shot to the heavens,

The light shower showed me the way forward,

The paralysis of despair healed completely,

I used the word paralysis to refer to the despairing state that I found myself in during my experience of burnout. The discovery of those who could meet me with love and faithfulness in the moments of darkness encouraged the smallest sparks of creativity that they saw in me and this allowed light to emerge on the next step forward. Being able to work creatively and to then have the confidence to share my work with a community that expressed love and faithfulness was a very clear sign that I was beginning to rediscover a balance in my life.

2. My sleep became restful

One of the clearest indicators of my state of being when in the midst of burnout was a poor sleep rhythm. Even when I did sleep it never felt like I woke refreshed. There were times when I questioned if I would ever have a proper night’s sleep again. I felt like I lived in a state of perpetual tiredness. Being able to have a good night’s sleep was a welcome relief that was a clear indicator that something was beginning to shift in me.

A reflection on Psalm 112

My heart’s deepest gladness has been found,

Living in the centre of God’s intention,

I sleep peacefully each night,

I dream of hope and belonging,

For me the tiredness hung around for a long time. I am normally a quite active person who approaches life with enthusiasm. My preferred rhythm is to wake early and it’s in that time that I can be quite creative. When I continually was waking up feeling tired there was little creativity left in me.

As I emerged from my continual tiredness I started looking forward to the mornings again. As creativity emerged I began looking forward to waking up so that I could engage in the creative activity of my work. Sleep was welcomed because it was a restful sleep that came from resolving some of the tension that I felt had emerged in understanding my sense of vocation and my response to that call.

3. I didn’t need to be the centre of my conversation

At the height of my burnout my conversation centred around me. Sometimes when I was saying the words about me I felt tired of hearing myself talk. Some good friends stayed with me during this period and continued to listen and I am thankful that they were able to do this.

A reflection on Psalm 104

Like a lost friend who is brought close,

Creation continually welcomes me with a huge hug,

I am safe again in his presence,

His Voice the centre of my conversations,

One of my burnout symptoms was a complete retreat into myself. This was very difficult with a wife and four children who were very used to me be very present in our family life. I still managed to be very self-focussed in my world of perpetual distraction. Even when I was with them I was never really there. I would be looking at them but thinking about a thousand things that could be going wrong, what I needed to do yet in that day, what mistakes I had made that day and a constant self-talk of failure. There wasn’t much room in my head to fit anyone else.

My centre had become all about me and this was creating fatal wounds in my life. Learning to discover other important voices that spoke into my life helped me to re-find my centre. I loved the growing sense of belonging that brought with it a healing voice into my life. The words that emerged brought a new understanding of my own voice that could transcend my immediate problems.

4. I began feeling more confident again

So many of us let others determine what we are worth. It’s our duty to make that determination ourselves.”

Jonathan Goldsmith

Dr Travis Bradberry in a recent article refers to research done by the University of California that shows the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. He also says that before we say “no” we need to have worked out what we are saying yes to.

A reflection on Psalm 203

My first word today is to say, “No”,

To a thousand different questions,

That seek to bring complexity,

To what is the simple choice,

Of first saying yes to God.

Being able to say no to someone means that there is something bigger at play in life. I have learned once again to find a bigger purpose in my life than some of the more material goals that dominated my life during my period of burnout. This gives more confidence to be able to make choices and to then live with those choices.

I notice myself saying no more and more lately. Sometimes saying no is often about choosing between good and best, this choice can be difficult especially when the creative juices are flowing and there are so many options to explore. But, saying no helps focus creativity and beds it into more fertile soil that is ultimately more productive.

No can sometimes bring with it some immediate pain but this is often better than the dull ache of a half hearted yes. No, changes the terms of a relationship because it makes the reality or impossibility of a situation clearer. Burnout can feel like living in a fog but with finding the capacity to say no confidently the fog recedes to give a clearer picture of reality.


Chris Gribble