Listening in different ways: How conversations move in a mentoring session
By Tim Dyer
The Side of the Road
By Monica O’Neil
Dark: the colour of my disorientation, the cloudy mood in our car, the sky outside, and my fear of
losing our way. I was tired, with a car full of very little people who needed to be in warm beds. My husband and I were driving in unfamiliar Albany, a small country town in Western Australia’s Great Southern Region. Well, he was driving and I was navigating. Normally we are a crack team at this as I’m good with maps in any direction and he drives well. However, the town had recently installed a vast number of roundabouts. What they had not yet installed was any directional signage. Google maps didn’t exist. Juggling a tiny torch and trying to scan for bearings that night was beyond me. I was crumbling. I couldn’t see the way for all the roads.
The exit options on the roundabout were sometimes two, sometimes three, four or five. It seemed they presented themselves too fast and in the darkness they were no longer hopeful roads that
might lead to a warm room and bed, they were purveyors of panic!
The points of decision were coming at me too fast and with limited visibility, both inside the car and
out, I transformed from ‘Supernavgirl’ into a sobbing distraught blob despairing of ever seeing a
warm bed for my children ever again.
If only I’d had a mentor with me right then.
Maybe the conversation and actions that evening evening would have gone like this…
‘Let’s pull over to the side of the road and pause. And let’s do that at each turn if needed because the pause will give precious time for clarity and wisdom to emerge. Let’s take the time on the side of
the road to do the tricky work of translating the landscape we see and the map we have, in the light
of the destination we have in our mind and heart.’
I might have been reminded that navigating relies on several things including, but not limited to:
- Getting accurate bearings for where you are. Max De Pree says the first task of leadership is to define reality.
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Getting clarity about the destination. If there is no destination that matters, perhaps any
road really will do. If, however, it does matter it holds us to course and all recalibrations are
towards it. -
A knowledge of possible routes and the markers indicating when each choice must be made.
Sometimes its tiny side exits that confuse. If we can note their presence we can ignore them when they come into view. -
Observation of the conditions to be encountered. Are the roads sealed, flooded, or
potentially blocked by a rock fall? Is the only route risky and what can be done to prepare? Is there a safe option which is only a couple of kilometres longer?
I know it’s a metaphor, but a metaphor lets you and I translate it to our mentoring context. I’m
proposing that one of the things we offer as a mentor is a metaphorical pitstop, a side of the road
moment. That pause on the side of the road helps to define reality, to clarify or re-clarify the desired
outcomes and to recalibrate their journey in a space of quiet peace and wisdom.
“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were
not seen.” Psalm 77:19
Self-Check List for Mentors
By Sally Jones
The focus of a good mentoring relationship is always on the formation of the mentoree. My role as a mentor is to come alongside them and equip and empower them to move towards achieving their goals, and when I do that in a session I aim to give them my undivided attention. One of the things that my mentorees often say they appreciate the most about mentoring is that it is the one relationship where it is actually okay for it to be all about them – what they need to grow, what they need to focus on to be who God has called them to be. However as I journey along with them, there are actually a few things about myself that I need to be attending to!
The one question I regularly ask myself is this: What do I most need to be fully present to my mentorees?
The answers to this will be many and varied depending on the context, but I want to suggest they need to include:
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Preparation time – mentoring takes much more time than the actual session. Have I allocated adequate time in my diary for any reading, researching, thinking or any other preparation I might need to do? Have I completed any commitments I may have made to my mentoree in the last session? It’s pretty obvious when a mentoree has hurriedly thrown together (probably just before they arrived!) something I asked them to spend time reflecting on – and it will be just as obvious to my mentoree if I have done the same.
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‘Transition’ time – how busy are the 30 minutes before a mentoring session is due to start? We all have busy lives but it’s important to allow ourselves space to transition from the space of phone calls, emails, meetings, battling the traffic, putting the kids to bed, etc., to the mentoring space. As far as possible, I need to attend to the things which might distract me from being fully present. I find the key to this is finding a quiet spot, being still, and spending some time in prayer – for my mentoree, for myself and for the upcoming session.
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Development time – what skills do I have which might need sharpening? Are there areas of development or issues arising in the lives of my mentorees that I need to be learning more about? When was the last time I went to a workshop or conference to add to my knowledge and experience? Being intentional about my development and growth as a mentor enables me to give my best to my mentorees.
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Self-reflection time – as I journey with others in their spiritual formation, am I making a priority of my own formation and growth? Who is asking me the kinds of questions that I am asking my mentorees? Who is speaking into my life, encouraging, equipping and empowering me? We cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves. Time spent focusing on my relationship with God will enable me to do the same for others.
What items would you add to a self-check list for mentoring?
Voices: Mentoring Training 2017
How do we journey with our mentorees as they seek to listen and discern the voice of God? Our lives are filled with myriad voices that clamour for attention. Sorting the whispers of the Spirit from the noise of the world is a constant challenge. Everyone is welcome to join us this year for one of our 2017 mentoring training days as together we reflect on guidance, listening to God, wisdom, prayer and discernment in the context of mentoring relationships.
Keynote Speaker – Sally Jones
- Operates her own Sydney based practise in mentoring and spiritual direction
- Co-teaches the Mentor Equipping training program (3 years of training and supervision)
- Is a member of the committee of the Australian Christian Mentoring Network and a member of the Australian Network of Spiritual Directors
- Sally spent 8 years working with International Teams Australia, a Christian Mission Agency. For 5 years she was actively involved in the Sydney Refugee Team, co-leading the team from 2011
There will be a local presenter in each of the workshops.
Cost:
$100 per participant
$75 for current ACMN Members with a 2017 paid membership (please note, this is not the same as being a registered user of this website)
Notes, morning and afternoon teas provided—(does not include lunch)
To register:
We are using the Eventbrite registration system to manage attendance this year. Please follow the links below.
Brisbane – 21st August
Sydney – 22nd August
Melbourne – 23rd August
Adelaide – 24th August
Perth – 25th August
Where can I contact the organiser with any questions?
Please contact acmentoringnetwork@outlook.com for further information.
Keeping Focus in Mentoring
by Janet Woodlock.
It’’s possible to drift in mentoring relationships. They can become a pleasant catch up, but be relatively ineffective in helping another grow personally, spiritually, and vocationally. Indeed, they can become frustrating sessions, where old issues are re-hashed with little evidence of increasing maturity or responsibility in the mentee.
One of the most important steps in keeping mentoring relationships effective is contracting well. Expectations need to be crystal clear, with key goals / growth areas identified at the outset.
Some of the expectations that should be built in to a powerful mentoring agreement/contract include:
- preparation for sessions. The mentoree should agree to bring an issue to every session.
- commitment to action steps. The mentoree is clear s/he desires to grow, and commits to implementing any actions arising from each session.
- regular meetings. If meetings are only very occasional or are made on an ad-hoc basis, the mentoree may feel little pressure to implement action steps.
- an agreed review date. Review how the mentoring is working for both parties after a certain number of sessions. (Then ask: “What can I learn as a mentor to support you better? Is my mentoring helpful to you? Should we continue?”)
- an end date. Mentoring that continues forever is prone to becoming a friendly conversation. It is better to contract for a certain number of sessions, then review whether the mentoree wants to re-contract around a new set of agreed goals.
Having a potential mentoree fill out a survey prior to a first session can be helpful in forming specific growth goals. Or your first session can be focused on series goals.* Ask your mentoree to identify ambitious goals they would like to work on over a longer period of time. (Fitness, family relationships, spiritual life, education, career goals, new initiatives in ministry – it could be anything!) Then clarify the goals they would most like to focus on in mentoring.
If expectations are set out clearly, and if ambitious goals are established for the mentoring relationship, you have set the relationship up well to ensure the mentoree keeps focused.
It’s hard work being this intentional. Sometimes it’s appropriate to have a less formal mentoring relationship. But contracting like this, and referring to the agreement throughout the relationship, does the heavy lifting in keeping the focus on personal growth.
Christian mentoring is less about helping people feel better (though that may often occur) and more about helping people become all that God is calling them to be, and step into all that God is calling them to do. In short, it can be a very effective tool of discipleship.
“Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be a mentor desires a noble task.” That’s my very rough translation of I Timothy 3:1. I think it’s true though! What a privilege it is to partner with others in this way!
So how might you become more focused in your mentoring?
And can you share something that has helped you keep focus in mentoring?
And a provocative thought: the most focused mentoring relationship I’ve ever had involved major financial penalties if action steps weren’t completed! (Mates rates vs executive coaching rates). What do you think of THAT approach?
I’d love to hear from you!
Janet Woodlock
*big goals that require a series of steps to achieve.
The ACMN does not promote a single model of mentoring. Some styles include:
Life Coaching: Partnering with a coachee who sets personal goals, helping them develop action plans to achieve them. (Janet’s typical style; hence the focus on goals in this article)
Spiritual Direction: Partnering with a pilgrim in discerning where God is at work in the inner life.
Counselling: A strong focus on emotional / psychological wellbeing. Some ministry supervisors are trained psychologists/counsellors.
Skill Mentoring/Coaching: An expert providing feedback on a skill area (e.g. helping a minister improve their preaching)
The first three styles in particular involve the mentor asking questions and listening deeply. Some mentors develop a blended style depending on their background, or wear different “hats” depending on the presenting issue.
Mentoring in Groups and Between Peers: Alternatives to the One-to-One Mentoring Model
by Rick Lewis.
Advantages:
- a greater number of perspectives are available;
- a greater variety of ideas may be generated;
- members experience strong accountability due to peer pressure;
- a sense of commonality such that one does not need to explain everything.
Disadvantages:
- Less time available for each person to share;
- greater potential for breach of trust;
- conversations tend toward generic topics that all understand;
- meeting together requires more complicated scheduling.
Peer mentoring groups require strong values in order to remain healthy: honesty, suspension of judgement, activation of discernment, confidentiality and intentionality. You may wish to consider other values that you would find essential, and whether or not a group would need a facilitator in order to stay true to these values and to stay on track in terms of focus and time. These groups may adopt one or more of several approaches, sticking with one that works best for them, or mixing things up over time:
- Group supervision process, taking it in turn to present a case study arising from their experience of living as a disciple of Jesus. This may take the form of a theological reflection on a critical incident. Other members of the group then ask questions and make observations about how God is active in the life of the person sharing and may help generate options for how the individual can respond and grow.
- Wesleyan approach, considering a standard set of accountability questions at each meeting. As a variation, each meeting may address a limited number of accountability questions drawn from a longer list in order to facilitate deeper exploration of the issues.
- Retreating together, taking an extended time to withdraw from normal life patterns in order to listen to God attentively in community. A retreat setting can serve as a time for sharing life stories. Reese and Loane have a suggested format for such retreats[1].
Mallison outlines several different applications for mentoring in the life of a church. For one of these he draws on the example of Rod Denton[2] whose practice, as a pastoral team leader, involved mentoring members of his staff as a group. Compare this with the observations Lewis makes in chapters 5 and 7 of Mentoring Matters[3] about the operation of power within mentoring relationships.
A link to a PDF version of this article – Anamcara Consulting
[1] Reese, Randy and Loane, Robert. Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey. Downers Grove, IVP, 2012, p. 170-171
[2] Mallison, John. Mentoring: To Develop Disciples and Leaders. Adelaide: Openbook/Lidcombe: Scripture Union, 1998, p. 156f
[3] Lewis, Rick. Mentoring Matters: Building Strong Leaders, Avoiding Burnout, Reaching the Finishing Line. Oxford, Monarch, 2009, p. 129-132 and 178-180.
Toward a Theology of Christian Mentoring
by Rick Lewis.
It must be acknowledged that mentoring is not a Biblical word, yet it does describe a Biblical reality, observable in several key relationships between leaders in both the Old and New Testaments, as we will explore towards the end of this section. The Biblical terms most closely related to mentoring are μαθητεύσατε ‘make disciples’ (Matthew 28:19), καταρτισμός ‘prepare’ or ‘equip’ (Ephesians 4:12) and ποιμαίνω ‘tend as a shepherd’ (Acts 20:28; 1 Peter 5:2). Mentoring can make a key contribution to these larger concerns.
A useful theology of Christian mentoring will answer questions such as these:
· Where is God active in a Christian mentoring partnership?
· What Biblical texts inform the process and outcomes of mentoring?
· How does mentoring sit alongside other methods of disciple-making, preparation of God’s people and pastoral leadership?
· What personal qualities and attitudes are required of those involved in mentoring?
· What values must be respected in mentoring that are worthy of being called ‘Christian’?
God’s already present action is affirmed by Paul in Philippians 1:6 where he says, ‘He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus’. God’s action calls for a response from individuals such as that expressed in Philippians 3:12 ‘I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me’. The scope for mentoring emerges from the New Testament’s insistence that others have a part to play in facilitating an individual’s response to God’s gracious action. Some examples of this include the following:
· And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (1 Thessalonians 5:12,14)
· Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)
· I myself am certain of you, brothers, that you are full of what is good, complete in all knowledge, able to give direction to one another. (Romans 15:14)
· Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom. (Colossians 3:16)
In understanding mentoring as essentially a formational process we can see three key elements:
· God is the one who forms; ‘For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son’ (Romans 8:29)
· The mentoree offers themselves to be formed; ‘Offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.’ (Romans 6:13)
· Mentors participate in this formation; ‘My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you’ (Galatians 4:19)
Following Anderson and Reese’s description of mentoring[1] as a ‘triadic relationship’, consider what is going on in each of the six interactions within mentoring:
· What comes from God to the mentoree?
· What comes from the mentoree to God?
· What comes from God to the mentor?
· What comes from the mentor to God?
· What comes from the mentor to the mentoree?
· What comes from the mentoree to the mentor?
As you construct your theology of Christian mentoring, take note of the qualities that stand out to you as most important features of the sort of mentoring you would choose for yourself and would wish to provide for others. As a starting point, you may wish to consider the following qualities of mentoring as shaped by the New Testament:
• Ontological – concerned for being as a foundation for doing; Matthew 28:19-20; Ephesians 4:12-13
• Incarnational – requiring an aspect of modelling; Philippians 3:17; 4:9; 1 Corinthians 4:15-16; 11:1; 2 Thessalonians 3:9
• Liberating – eschewing domination; 2 Thessalonians 3:8; 1 Peter 5:2-3
• Generative – receivers pass it on; 1 Thessalonians 1:6-7; 2 Timothy 2:2
• Christocentric – formation aimed at Christlikeness; Galatians 4:19; Colossians 1:28-29
In Mentoring Matters, Lewis cites several relationships between people in the Bible that display some of the attributes of mentoring[2]. We should be careful not to advance these as precise, definitive examples of mentoring. They might be more accurately identified as Biblical precedents of mentoring in the sense that we use the term today. They are, nonetheless, useful in identifying how God has been pleased to use human relationships in the past to further his work of forming leaders for his mission in the world. Reflections on Biblical relationships that help us understand the potential of mentoring may also be found in Mallison[3] and Horsfall[4].
A PDF version of this article is available here. From Anamcara Consulting
[1] Their definition reads, “A triadic relationship between mentor, mentoree and the Holy Spirit, where the mentoree can discover, through the already present action of God, intimacy with God, ultimate identity as a child of God and a unique voice for kingdom responsibility.” Anderson and Reese, Spiritual Mentoring: A Guide for Seeking and Giving Direction. Downers Grove: IVP, 1999, p. 12.
[2] Lewis, Rick. Mentoring Matters: Building Strong Leaders, Avoiding Burnout, Reaching the Finishing Line. Oxford, Monarch, 2009, p. 42-56
[3] Mallison, John. Mentoring: To Develop Disciples and Leaders. Adelaide: Openbook/Lidcombe: Scripture Union, 1998, p. 37-42
[4] Horsfall, Tony. Mentoring for Spiritual Growth. Abingdon: Bible Reading Fellowship, 2008, p. 27-34
Evaluation Resource
Following on from Sally Jones’ article in the public part of our website, Rick Lewis has provided his version of an evaluation form used with mentorees. It can be found linked here.
Evaluating Your Mentoring
By Sally Jones
Regularly evaluating your mentoring can be of great benefit to both those you are mentoring and yourself as a mentor. How often do you take some time out to consider how you are growing as a mentor? What skills might need a bit of polishing, or strengths could you intentionally build on? The skill and process of evaluation is something we are very likely helping our mentorees to implement in some area of their own lives, so it is important that we do the same.
I would suggest three areas to consider – each of which can be done immediately after a mentoring session, as well as on a regular monthly, quarterly and/or yearly basis. Following are just a few of the questions you might ask yourself: Continue reading “Evaluating Your Mentoring”
Conflict Competent Files and Notes
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